Breaking Things in Wal-Mart

Breaking Things in Wal-Mart

Tonight, Chris Leon and I went to Whataburger to grab something to eat before we went back to my house and watched the DVD of The God Who Wasn’t There. We were talking in the car and Chris forgot about the Whatabuger by my house, so we ended up at the one in southeast Shreveport. The meal was uneventful except for my consumption of all of the ketchup in a 1 mile radius.

[Note: All of what follows will more than likely not amuse you. It was hilarious, but you probably “had to be there”. I warned you.]

Frog Gutter Run-Off DecorationFrog Gutter Run-Off DecorationAfterwards, we went to the Wal-Mart across the street to seek out gifts for Mother’s Day, since neither of us had purchased gifts yet. We first went to the “electronics” section because we’re both nerds. I use the term “electronics” lightly, because well, it’s Wal-Mart. Also, with their new arrangement, if you go one too many isles over, you’re in the shoe department with no point of demarcation.

After deciding that the “electronics” department sucked with their non-usb reading digital picture printing kiosks, we headed over to the gardening department to look at silly yard decorations that might appease the maternal sensibilities of a good present. I first came upon a frog decoration that appeard to serve the purpose of adorning the water exit of a gutter system. It had a little frog boat sitting in a little frog river that would look like frogs whitewater rafting through a rainwater river during a storm. I thought my mom might like that, but I wasn’t willing to pay outrageous sums of money for it. I lifted it up by the handle (what appeared to be a handle that would actually serve to anchor the top part of the gutter water exit) and turned it over to see if there was a price tag. Immediately, the frog boat detatched, fell to the ground, and shattered.

I’m fairly certain the frog boat was already broken off and someone set it back in the decoration, but it still came as quite a shock, because I’ve never broken anything in a store that I can remember, and definitely not quite as dramatically. Amazingly, the other guy on the isle didn’t even appear to be phased in the slightest. Chris suggested we leave, but now my primary choice had been removed from the running and I wasn’t about to leave without something to show for it.

Chris then pointed out a 4-foot tall lighthouse and suggested that I knock it over too. He pointed out angel decorations that I might want to pick up and throw against a wall to shatter those too. I’m actually laughing out loud while I’m typing this, but I realize the humor inherent in this won’t amuse anyone but Chris and me.

After I was able to stop crying from laughing so hard and literally having to crouch from not being able to breathe from laughing so hard, Chris noticed a bird cage directly above us with a dead bird in it. Apparently, Wal-Mart doesn’t like the birds that fly into their store a lot. They capture them in birdcage traps and leave them there to die instead of releasing them outside. I postured a hypothesis. I’m guessing they don’t want the birds to swoop down and make a “CAWW” sound while they steal your birdseed or fish or something that you’re trying to buy. Alternatively, they might try to perch on your shoulder or bite out your eyeball like in The Passion of the Christ.

Either way, Wal-Mart really hates those birds, enough to trap them and let them die in the store, above its customers. I have to wonder, what about the bird crap? There seemed to be no mechanism for dealing with this eventuality. I guess Wal-Mart would rather its customers be defecated upon in a limited area than the possiblity of being hit by falling feces throughout the store.

Chris and I rewarded their animal cruelty by purchasing windchimes. I also purchased a miniature garden gnome. I hope my mom doesn’t read this before I give it to her, because that will ruin the surprise. It’s slightly less likely that Chris’ mom will read my blog, so I’m not too worried about that. The hilarity about windchimes is that they aren’t in a box. They’re just hanging, with a pricetag on them, so Chris and I had to walk from one end of the store to another (Garden to Food/20 Items or Less) carrying clanging windchimes. Needless to say, everyone was looking at us and I was laughing my ass off. It’s probably not too often that people see two guys walking across Wal-Mart carrying windchimes as their only item with no buggy. I was too busy laughing and I forgot to get a card. I’ll get that tomorrow before I see my mom (or I guess I should say today since it’s past 3 AM).

We came back to my house, watched The God Who Wasn’t There, and then watched the two part series that Richard Dawkins made named The Root of All Evil (Episode 1: The God Delusion | Episode 2: The Virus of Faith). I’ve now seen TGWWT about 5 times, and it’s still as good as the first time, but this was only my second time seeing The Root of All Evil. It’s an excellent documentary series, and Richard Dawkins is a great speaker, writer, and scientist.

All in all, I’d say I’m pretty glad Chris screwed up and went to that Whataburger on the other side of town. I haven’t laughed as hard as I had tonight in quite some time.

Author: Chris Benard

Chris Benard is a software developer in the Dallas area specializing in payments processing, medical claims processing, and Windows/Web services.